A Healthier Mindset for More Satisfying Sexual Health
In the sexual health world, there is a common phrase that you may have heard: your biggest sex organ is your brain. Your brain tells you that the sensations you’re experiencing are pleasurable. It’s what decides whether the reflection in the mirror is sexy. Your brain interprets the complex emotions that arise in your intimate connections. It’s in charge of hormonal output, affecting sexual desire and motivation. Wouldn’t it be incredible if you could harness your brain to enhance your sex life? By practicing mindfulness, you have the power to shape your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors for a more satisfying sex life.
Freeing Your Mind Of ANTs
To improve your sex life with your partner, especially after bariatric surgery, it’s imperative to examine your sexuality. Your self-view has the potential to overshadow external influence. If your partner throws you compliments like candy at a parade, but you are stuck in a pattern of negative self-talk, those compliments will be drowned out by your automatic negative thoughts (ANTs). This is a significant hindrance in deepening intimate connections. Practice the steps below to rid yourself of pesky ANTs:
- When you notice a negative thought, say “stop” aloud. Interrupting your thought audibly will jolt your attention from its habit of accepting it as truth. It will also help you realize how often ANTs interfere with your day, a realization that can be quite motivating.
- Replace that thought with three statements of kindness about yourself. Flood that ANT out with positivity! Bonus points if at least one of those statements directly negates the ANT.
As you practice these steps, your brain will rewire away from the negative, allotting mental space for positivity. This practice can be a monumental shift for folks with poor self-esteem and rely too much on outside sources for reassurance. Not only will you be in a better position to accept the affection offered by your partner, but the confidence in yourself often carries over into the bedroom. The more confident you are in the bedroom, the more likely you will be able to identify your wants and needs and advocate for your pleasure.
Shaping The Perception of Your Partner
Long-term relationships can turn the person you once idolized into someone who annoys you regularly. Unfortunately, it’s common for resentment to rear its ugly head when this happens. It’s far too easy to fall prey to resentment for almost anything; your partner left dirty dishes on the table again, can’t stop complaining about their coworker, or is naturally slim no matter how much junk food they consume. Whatever causes you to resent your partner, one thing is certain: it’s getting in the way of a healthy sexual relationship.
So, what’s the trick? Gratitude. You can’t control your partner’s actions (or their metabolism), but you can control your thoughts. Study after study has proven that practicing gratitude has many benefits, including an effective antidote to resentment. When you practice gratitude, your brain produces neurotransmitters, which create deeper bonds, increase levels of pleasure and happiness, and regulate stress hormones. Practicing gratitude also decreases anxiety and depression, improves sleep and mood, and heightens energy. All of these benefits contribute to a more satisfying life, sexual and otherwise.
Aim to start and end your day by listing a few things you appreciate. If you are frustrated with your partner, name at least one thing you appreciate about them. Whether you write in a gratitude journal or express it directly to your partner, keep this up daily, and you’ll notice a peaceful shift in your mentality.
Practice Makes Progress
Your mind has the power to significantly impact your self-image and how you view your partner. By being mindful, you can dramatically reduce the mental and emotional weight that hinders your sexual satisfaction. But remember, it’s called “practicing” mindfulness. The key is finding a strategy that you can maintain regularly. Rewiring your neuropathways takes time. You are changing your brain! Give it at least eight weeks before expecting significant changes, though it’s common to experience a positive shift in mentality sooner.
Be kind to yourself in this process. Whatever negative thought patterns you have habitually engaged in will try to keep nagging at you. But with consistent practice, your more positive mindset will conquer the negative, and you will discover that your healthier mindset creates a healthier (and much more satisfying) sex life.
Liz Mallers (she/her) is a certified sexuality educator who works with couples and individuals to enhance their intimate pleasures. Through her psychoeducational work, Liz helps her clients unlearn the unwanted internalized messages about sexuality that create barriers to deep intimate connection, and rebuilds their understanding of sex and intimacy for a healthier and satisfying sex life.
